


The Breaking Pillar

by riversongshair



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s07e05 The Angels Take Manhattan, F/M, Heartbreak, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2013-12-12
Packaged: 2018-01-04 11:30:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1080489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riversongshair/pseuds/riversongshair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After River had recently lost her parents, the Doctor drops River back at her home, River uses the quiet time and solitude to reflect on the events that just happened, never letting the Doctor see the true outcomes of their adventures.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Breaking Pillar

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is just a short little angsty thing I hope you like! :)

"River, they were your parents. I'm sorry, I didn't think." The Doctor looked up to River who silently piloted the TARDIS, his eyes heavy with grief. 

"It doesn't matter." She replied in a dull tone. She swayed around the console, pressing buttons and pulling levers to gracefully steer the TARDIS back to where she was staying.

"Of course it matters." He replied sadly.

"What matters is this. Doctor, don't travel alone." She broke her gaze from the TARDIS console to the Doctor, who sat miserably at a distance from her. 

"Travel with me, then." He said effortlessly, but with just a glint of hope, that maybe not all was lost. 

"Whenever and wherever you want." She smiled sweetly at him, and in that moment his eyes lit up with some hope. "But not all the time." And they dimmed back to their glum and melancholy state. "One psychopath per TARDIS, don't you think?" She forced a small laughter, just to raise the mood a bit. 

Soon after, they discussed the book River was supposed to write as she landed the TARDIS at her destination. River leaned against the TARDIS console, looking at the Doctor, who had his back turned away from her as he stared emptily into the walls of the TARDIS. 

"I presume I send it to Amy to get it published?" 

The Doctor quietly responded, still not wanting to look back to River, who had made her way towards the exit of the TARDIS.

"I'll tell her to write an afterword. For you." She opened the door, peering her head into the TARDIS one last time before she left the Doctor. "Maybe you'll listen to her." She smiled sadly to him, who hadn't even bothered to turn around to look upon her before seeing her-God knows- when. River slowly walked upon the cobbled streets that the TARDIS had landed on, her heeled shoes emitting a click with every step she took. She wrapped her jacket around herself even more, as the cold breeze of the night, brushed against her body. River looked down at her feet, sighing slightly as she took the long walk back to her home, unwrapping the Vortex manipulator from her wrist and holding it tight in her hand. 

She inhaled deeply as she unlocked the door of her darkened home that wasn't much to work with since she was excused from the Stormcage, but it was much roomier and had a better sense of what River was like. Upon entering her home, she took off her jacket, throwing it onto the floor, thinking to herself that she'll hang it later, as she tossed her shoes to either side of her entrance, she ran her hands over her face, running her fingers into her hair as she exhaled loudly. River walked tiredly towards the worn out sofa that was positioned in front of a wooden table, which was completely covered in maps, books, pencils, drawings, and most importantly, her blue diary that was lying open. She stood still, silently glaring at the array of objects scattered across her aged, wooden table. River blinked, biting her lip slightly, she kept staring at the maps, the diagrams, the many notes jotted down on them, the drawings that depicted her thoughts, her memories and her dreams. The blue diary that was tattered and on the verge of falling apart, from how many nights she spent writing and drawing in it.

And amongst all those sights that River glanced over in those moments, the only thing that tied them all together was the Doctor. River bit her lip with more force now, almost making it bleed, she blinked again. Her entire body tightened with a feeling that she could not describe, to even herself. Before her very eyes, she grabbed the blue diary that caught her burning gaze and threw it across the room, only letting the loud thud and rustling of the paper sound, before she realized what she did. 

River screamed loudly, falling down to slump into the sofa, before she burst into uncontrollable tears. She buried her head into her shaking hands, cradling her head, as she rocked slightly back and forth in a frenzy of distress. River let out loud sobs, that surely any passer by could have heard, but she did not care, for in that moment, every moment that ever hurt her in her adventures had come back to haunt her, starting from the very beginning. As the worse moments flashed back into her memories- the sacrifices, the tears, the loss, her parents- River bawled louder, her voice crying out in unmistakable pain and agony, as she let the fact that her parents had died right before her, sink in. The fact she put on the bravest face just so the Doctor wouldn't see the damage, even though she was breaking inside. But each time, there was damage. She subconciously held onto the wrist that she broke earlier that day, her eyes shut tight as a flood of tears fell down from her eyes, and her face contorted into a vision of pure heartache. Every moment River had to smile forcefully, or turn away, just so the Doctor wouldn't see the slightest moment of the pain that River felt, every time she blinked back her tears, or covered her hesitation with a sly comment, there was damage. The damage that the Doctor never saw, and the damage that he never will see. 

River let go of her wrist, running both her hands into her hair and pulling at it slightly as she let out wails of despair. She felt as if the entire world had been laid onto her chest, as she heaved loudly for breath amongst the loudest sobs she let out. River shuddered slightly as she tried to calm herself down, opening her eyes again to look at the table in front of her. They were completely blurry from the tears that filled them, River blinked once to let them fall and got a clearer view of the things in front of her. But upon looking at all the reminders of how every moment that broke her, was linked to the Doctor, she angrily grabbed the piles of sheets in front of her, and furiously tore them apart and threw them across the room, in the same direction as the blue diary that rested pathetically lopsided against the wall, she screamed loudly again, the heartbreaking cry lingered on for an uncomfortable amount of time, and a new wave of tears rose, ready to cascade down her face all over again, until she managed to calm herself down again. 

"I wish I'd  _never_ met you! I could have been so much without you, without your _stupid_ adventures, and ideas, and plans." She calls out, standing up furiously. River walked up to the pile of torn and shredded bits of paper lying around the room, and if she looked closely, she the few pages of her diary lie on the floor, obviously torn out of the book after she threw it against the wall with such force, and her face softened. River bent down onto her knees to rummage through the papers. She felt ashamed of her outburst, while she weeped silently now, shuddering and consistently wiping her face with the palm of her hand. River spotted the her diary that was laid face down on the floor, and she gently picked it up, running her hands through the page that it was opened at to decrease the folds it had. She read the page it was opened to, and immediately she remembered with the small images and words she drew across the pages- Picnic at Asgard. She smiled sadly, blinking down a few tears, she lovingly stroked the diary. 

"I'm sorry." She mouthed at it, whether she was apologizing to the diary, or the Doctor himself, she didn't know. River crawled across the floor to reach for the pages of her diary that came loose, and gathered them together, reading the stray pieces before she put them in a pile. River leaned against the sofa, letting her head rest against the edge of it, she brought her knees up and hugged the diary with the loose pages tightly in her arms. She whispered softly, letting her final tears fall onto it.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." She muttered to herself, feeling terribly guilty as she rememebered why she loved being with the Doctor. The thrill of their adventures, the moments of happiness and victory. Those were the moments River lived for. 

"You don't have to say sorry." A voice sounded from behind River. She whipped her head around in surprise, her heart stopping for a moment. 

The Doctor stepped further towards the sofa River leaned against. His hands in his pockets, his eyes looked wistfully to River who sat on the floor, holding her diary. She stayed still, staring at him. The Doctor walked up to her, sitting down right next to her, cross-legged, he brought his arms around her, holding her in his arms with a tender embrace and stroked her hair gently. "You don't ever have to say sorry." He whispered.

"And you don't ever have to hide the damage." he said softly to River again, who shuddered every few moments from the aftermath of her breakdown. She stayed there in his embrace, not saying anything.

River only closed her eyes, and held onto the Doctor, who sat there with her in the darkened room of her home, only to be illuminated by the moonlight, for a very long time. 

 


End file.
